Dear Finn,
It is Wednesday.
Which means we leave for Uganda in four days time.
Five nights until I kiss your sweet face.
Five afternoons I must distract myself.
And then, then my dear sweet one, you will be in our arms.
I will cover you with kisses from head to toe.
We will rock you to sleep that night.
I will fight your daddy to hold you. All. day. long.
You will steal our hearts and it will be like you were always with us.
We will be three.
Perfect. Complete.

I had stopped keeping track of how long we had left because I couldn't think of anything else.
So I made a resolution to finish my projects and then I could daydream as much as I fancied.
It lasted for about a day.
In the end, I always find myself right back where I started, staring off into the distance.
Catching a glance at a calendar.
Counting down in my head.

Dreaming of you.

I love you my little man.
Your daddy and I are coming for you just as fast as we can.
Much love.
Mommy

Dear Finn,
My heart is aching for you tonight.
I long to hold you in my arms.
Cuddle you close to my chest.
Wrap a blanket around us both and just stare into your eyes.
Get to know each other over.
I am missing you tonight and just thought you should know.
No matter where you are right now, mommy is thinking of you.
Carrying your heart with me.
{& counting down the days. }
I love you my sweet boy.
xxoo

No words

We have a photo of our little man. 

And, why yes, he is perfect in every possible way.

I can't wait to show you all his beautiful little face. 

However, until he is legally ours, I can't. 

But I can tell you, we have named him.

{and announced it} 

our sons name is

 Finley Lane 

04.15.10

Dear Finley,
Words can't even express the feeling I had when I first saw your little face. It was mixture of emotions all at once, I was choking, sobbing, hysterical, happy. And I kept saying over and over "oh he's beautiful. he's prefect. he's beautiful. Can you believe how beautiful he is?" to your daddy over the phone.
He, of course, was just in awe of you as I was at that moment.
There were simply, no words.
It was love in an instant.

I had wanted to be with your daddy when we got your picture, but instead I was at an exit off the 5 in route to Los Angeles. We had known we might, possibly, hopefully get a picture of you the night before, and we didn't sleep a wink as I kept checking my phone over and over.
But in the morning there was no picture.
Again.
I waited as long as I could that morning before leaving, hoping we would get the email before I left. But ten in the morning came and went and I had to get on the road to make it to my shoot that evening.

I was talking to your great grandma Bonnie and lost my signal as I pulled in. I wasn't surprised as I always, never failing, lose signal at that exit. Getting out of the car, I started to pump gas. It was quite still and there was a chill in the air.
I remember being happy in that moment.
And then, then,  my phone showed up that I had a message from your foster dad.
I almost died on the spot.
Even though I knew that there was no signal at that exit, I was trying so hard to see if I had enough to get your daddy on the phone.
And I did.
We lost each other a few times, but finally I pulled to the edge of the lot where I could get two bars of signal.
And together we opened your picture at the same time.
The people walking their dogs stared at me in my car.
I'm sure I was a sight.
Crying hysterics.
Gasping for breath.
Staring at my phone.
Your little face on my screen.
So so happy.

You my dear son are perfect in every way possible.
I have counted your fingers and traced your face twenty million times already.
I am counting down the days until I can count your fingers and toes in person.
Twelve days.
Twelve days until my arms no longer ache for you.
Twelve days until I can finally whisper in your ear.
Twelve days until I get to kiss your sweet little cheeks.
October 17th can't come fast enough.

Hugs and kisses.

Mommy

We’ll fly to distant clouds where it’s just you and me

Dear Baby, 

Are you ready my little man? Is there a ladybug on your shoulder? Can you feel the change about to happen as you are fed and dressed for the day? Are the birds singing differently this morning? Is the sun a bit brighter? Is there a chill in the air?

Oh how I wish I could be there.

I imagine that the Sister's are telling you they'll miss your belly laugh and whispering goodbyes into your ears. After all, you are the most handsomest baby they've ever laid eyes on. Of this I am sure.  And I am even more certain they will be a sad that you are leaving, sweet little Joseph Asiimwe. Thanks to God. They will hold you a bit tighter before they lay you back down and give you an extra kiss. 

It is a bittersweet day for all of us. 

Of this I am also sure. 

Today a car will be arriving at your orphanage. It will probably be dusty from it's long journey, and there will most defiantly be a commotion as they gather you up, wrapping you in blankets as you are brought outside.  And then dear Asiimwe, then you will be handed to the gentlest of mans, and he will smile at you and make sure you are set to leave. He will make you take a photo with Sister Edwina for me if she will have it. I ask him to take a few photos just in case we don't get there. I want you to know where you came from and the faces of the ladies who loved you before we could. {although, truth be told we were loving you from way before you were ever even born. 

But still. 

Still. } 

Where was I? Oh yes, after the pictures you will load into a car and you will travel for a very long time. You will probably be a little sad to be leaving sweet Sister Edwina and the only home you have known. I am sure that you will miss her and your poor little heart will probably ache and you won't know what's happened to you.... so, while you travel I want you to know sweet little baby that your mommy is praying for you. Wishing I could be there and help ease the hurt you are feeling. 

I highly doubt I will sleep a wink all night long wondering how you are doing with the move. 

I hope, even though you are little, somewhere in your heart that you know there is a good reason for the transfer. I don't want you to be scared for even a moment and it's killing me that I can't be there to hold you and cuddle you on the trip to Kampala. You'll see soon that everything happens for a reason. You journey will take you to be with your foster family and there you will live in their little home waiting for us to come and get you. This little trip is making your daddy and I one step closer to Uganda. One step closer to you. 

Hugging you. 

Kissing you. 

Loving you. 

Be brave little man. I love you bunches.

You have my heart. 

Mommy 

Q is for queen...

Dear Baby Q,

Today mommy bought you the most darling print to hang above your crib. I'm a bit in love with it and I think you will be too. Q for queen. Who wouldn't be in love with that? 

Happy so happy.  

It's a bit blustery cold in the east bay today. There is a cold front coming in of some sorts so the skies are grey and the trees look like they may bend in half. 

It's the kind of day for cuddling. 

If you were here I would wrap you up in a big blanket and we'd sit on the couch together. 

Side by side. 

You and I and daddy. 

We'd wrap our arms around you and gaze into your dark eyes. 

Kissing your forehead. 

I'd give you a bottle and daddy and I would sip on tea. 

We'd watch a movie together. And if you fell asleep on me I wouldn't move for fear of waking you up.

We'd cuddle the day away. 

.sigh. 

..but since you aren't with me here, instead I ran errands this afternoon because I needed to mail off a few packages and buy things for dinner. {Potato soup if your wondering} And whilst I was running errands I {not so by} accidentally went to the grocery store by way of the street that takes me past the antique store ... Hm. 

... I haven't been in there in forever and I was dying to know if the little tin truck I had seen many moons ago, {before we even knew you were a he} was still there. It wasn't, but I think I may have found an ever better treasure.  I got you two vintage books on cowboys and Indians. They are the cutest books with the most amazing drawings from the 50s. Daddy was super excited when he saw them. We're going to scan them in and frame a few for your room when your older.... 

Also, this week we found out that Nurse Edwina says we can move you on the 16th or 17th of September to Kampala. Even though it's way past September 1st, at least now it isn't that far away.... 

I'm dying to see a picture of your little face and finally speak the name we think is yours out loud. One week. 

And just so you know, and don't ever doubt it, I'm so happy I have a little man. I'm so happy your my son. 

I love you baby. 

xxoo

Mommy