Sign. Sealed. Delivered. You're ours.

Dear Finley,
On Monday you became official.

We've been waiting for October 3rd for what feels like years now. Waiting with bated breath until it was signed in ink. Until 10am on Monday morning your name had been Asiimwe Joseph, and then, then with a swirl of her pen the judge changed your name, and you became one hundred percent ours. Our very own, Finley Asiimwe Lane Quisenberry. An American citizen. Recognized by the government as our son.

And even though, it may have only became officially official on Monday, I want you to know my sweet little man you have been in my heart long before you were ever born. You have been my son since the second we got that email from Africa telling us we were matched with a wee little one. You had me from that very instant, and I couldn't stop thinking about you. Not even for one second. I wondered what you would be like and if you would have dimples and a big belly laugh. I couldn't wait to hold you... and now that your home with us my arms still ache to hold you sometimes. Sometimes when your sleeping it's all I can do not to wake you up, cuddle you right then and there. Cover you from head to toe in kisses.

And when you wake up in the morning and I tell you I missed you while you were sleeping, I'm not making that up. I do miss you ever second I'm away from you. It's crazy and maybe a little weird, but I don't care. Some people would say I'm spoiling you. I say I'm just making up for lost time.

Your daddy and I are so in love with you Finley, and no matter where life takes you or what decisions you make in the future we will aways love you. Nothing can change that. We love you to the moon and back.

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

"I carry your heart with me, I carry you in my heart"

THE END. 

A year and a day

Today, running errands with mommy.

Dear sweet baby boy, 

Today marks one year and a day since getting the letter. 366 days ago Daddy and I were trying to keep ourselves occupied while we waited. It was late at night and I had that ever present knot in my stomach wondering if tonight would be the night.  I kept checking my emails over and over and over. Somehow it made me feel like it did something to refresh that little button. The word wait had been going on repeat in my head for over a year, and even though I knew it was crucial to wait for the right timing and the right baby, I was tired of waiting. Ready to have you in my arms yesterday. 

That night we knew we should be hearing back from our lawyers at anytime, and we knew they had been to Western Uganda and gotten files on two little boys, so I checked a million times a minute. Look at daddy, refresh button. Bite of popcorn, refresh. But over and over again my inbox was empty. Night after night...

and then, there was a email in my inbox. I remember being shocked. Not believing it was real.  11:25 at night. I looked at your daddy and started to cry before I could even get to reading the letter.

Tears. Joy. Tears. 

" ... the child you were given by the home is Asiimwe Joseph.  The child is a baby boy aged five months."

So many tears, so much happiness. 

My whole life changed that very moment. 

No longer two, but three. A family.

A mom and a dad with a baby boy an ocean away from us. Longing for you. 

I remember wishing for you more then I had before that night. Laying in bed and wondering what you were doing. Trying to put a face to your little name. My arms aching to hold you and my lips to kiss your sweet little cheeks. 

And now, 366 days later, I am at a loss for words. Nothing seems right as many times as I rewrite this.

Just know my sweet little man how very thankful I am to be your mommy and so happy we got you. You are perfect in every way and I can't imagine a life without you Finley Asiimwe. I love you to the moon and back little man. Happy one year and a day of being our son. 

Hugs and kisses. 

Mommy

The rocking chair

From this morning, my sweet boy.

I woke up last mothers day and daddy was all about getting me out of bed and into the living room. I wanted to roll over and sleep some more. Covers up to my chin. Watch a good movie, maybe some coffee in bed, pretty please?

When I finally meandered out, tired and needing coffee desperately, there was the most beautiful rocking chair I'd ever seen waiting for me. From daddy, for you, our future baby. The rocking chair I'd been eyeing for months. Dreaming of for countless hours. The note attached read "you're going to be a great mom." And yes, I'm pretty sure I cried when I read that.

I was happy that day with your daddy, eating a cheese picnic on the living room floor, but I was sad I was missing that day with you. I was sad because you weren't there to cuddle with us. Because I couldn't hold you. And, as much as I knew I should embrace the todays, I couldn't wait for next year.

Last year I had a rocking chair.

This year I have a baby boy to rock in it.

So thankful for you my little man. I love you to the moon and back.

xxoo

* we spent today doing laundry, but we were together, which is the very best way to spend a day. *

A sailboat

Dear Finley,
It's that time of year again.

The stores are crowded with people and when we go outside for walks we have to layer you up. Your little self is still used to Ugandan weather and so it's taking a little getting used to, this take your breath away chill in the air. I bundle you in hats and coats and kiss your freezing cold cheeks as we run our errands. Baby on my hip. Smile on my face. You make me so happy Finley. It takes a lot longer running errands with you, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Last year I remember getting ready for Christmas and having a lump in my throat the whole time. Being on the edge of tears for reasons I couldn't explain in a sentence. I would wrap a present and think of you. Make cookies and wonder where you were. What you were doing that very instant. What name we would name you when you were with us.

It was only a few days until Christmas and suddenly I realized I had to get you your first ornament. I felt like such a bad mommy that I hadn't thought of it before. Even though you wouldn't be physically with us that year, you were being carried in my heart. each. and. every. day.

And so, all of a sudden,  I threw myself into searching. It's all I could think about. I had to find you the perfect ornament. And then, finally I found it.

This year I didn't even have to think about what to get you for your first year with us. It was there in front of me, and it was perfect. A little sailboat made out of fabric for the little man who came all the way from across oceans to be with us. Our beautiful little man. Our Finley Asiimwe.

A few days ago we laid under the Christmas tree and I taught you how to stare up at the pretty lights and ornaments like me and my daddy used to do.

And even though your little, you marveled. 

You would look at the tree, look at me, and put your little finger back in your mouth, content to just stare. Pressing our heads together, we laid side by side. My arm around you. Both of us staring up. Enchanted. Enjoying the simpleness of life. We laid there until it was your bedtime and I had to pull you away. I love making memories. And even though you may be too young to remember it, that night will always be one of my favorites.

I am so thankful for you Finley and everything you bring to your daddy and my life. We couldn't ask for a better Christmas present this year then you. We love you more then you know little man and I am so so happy and honored that God chose you to be our son. You are perfect to us in every single way. 

I love you to the moon and back.

Mommy

19 days

Dear Finley,

It's been nearly 3 months since we found out you were ours.

and 21 days ago we boarded a plane to Africa. Heading straight to you. and I've got to tell you little man, we couldn't get there fast enough.

19 days ago we bumped along a dirt road. Toto was on the radio, singing his song about Africa. I remember hearing it as I looked out the window, taking in the lush Ugandan scenery, and smiling. Thinking how very fitting it was. My hands were tingling as they always do when I'm nervous and I kept forcing myself to take deep breaths. Stealing glances at your daddy. Wondering if he was as nervous as I was.

Yes my son, it's been 19 day since the very first time I saw you in person. You cried the first time you laid eyes on your daddy and I. But then, then we held you, and you stared at us. Big big eyes. Tiny little baby. Our baby.

It was surreal really, that first day with you. We were so exhausted from our flights, and yet so over the moon excited to have you in our arms. We got back to our room and laid on the bed, your daddy, you and me. We stared at each other. We traced your fingers and toes. Daddy pointed your birthmarks out to me first. The one on your knee. The scar behind your ear.
We laid there together the remainder of the afternoon.
Getting to know each other.
Learning about you.
Falling more in love with every passing second.

... that first night with you daddy and I barely slept at all. I would open my eyes and find your daddy already watching you sleep. Our eyes would meet over your little sleeping body and we would smile in the dark at each other. Catching each others hand. Whispering about how perfect you are, and oh my goodness, we have a baby. 

It's been 19 days since then and it's not becoming any less like a dream. You are perfect to your daddy and I and we love you so so very much.

Hugs and kisses my love.

Mommy.

Dear Finn,
It is Wednesday.
Which means we leave for Uganda in four days time.
Five nights until I kiss your sweet face.
Five afternoons I must distract myself.
And then, then my dear sweet one, you will be in our arms.
I will cover you with kisses from head to toe.
We will rock you to sleep that night.
I will fight your daddy to hold you. All. day. long.
You will steal our hearts and it will be like you were always with us.
We will be three.
Perfect. Complete.

I had stopped keeping track of how long we had left because I couldn't think of anything else.
So I made a resolution to finish my projects and then I could daydream as much as I fancied.
It lasted for about a day.
In the end, I always find myself right back where I started, staring off into the distance.
Catching a glance at a calendar.
Counting down in my head.

Dreaming of you.

I love you my little man.
Your daddy and I are coming for you just as fast as we can.
Much love.
Mommy

Dear Finn,
My heart is aching for you tonight.
I long to hold you in my arms.
Cuddle you close to my chest.
Wrap a blanket around us both and just stare into your eyes.
Get to know each other over.
I am missing you tonight and just thought you should know.
No matter where you are right now, mommy is thinking of you.
Carrying your heart with me.
{& counting down the days. }
I love you my sweet boy.
xxoo

No words

We have a photo of our little man. 

And, why yes, he is perfect in every possible way.

I can't wait to show you all his beautiful little face. 

However, until he is legally ours, I can't. 

But I can tell you, we have named him.

{and announced it} 

our sons name is

 Finley Lane 

04.15.10

Dear Finley,
Words can't even express the feeling I had when I first saw your little face. It was mixture of emotions all at once, I was choking, sobbing, hysterical, happy. And I kept saying over and over "oh he's beautiful. he's prefect. he's beautiful. Can you believe how beautiful he is?" to your daddy over the phone.
He, of course, was just in awe of you as I was at that moment.
There were simply, no words.
It was love in an instant.

I had wanted to be with your daddy when we got your picture, but instead I was at an exit off the 5 in route to Los Angeles. We had known we might, possibly, hopefully get a picture of you the night before, and we didn't sleep a wink as I kept checking my phone over and over.
But in the morning there was no picture.
Again.
I waited as long as I could that morning before leaving, hoping we would get the email before I left. But ten in the morning came and went and I had to get on the road to make it to my shoot that evening.

I was talking to your great grandma Bonnie and lost my signal as I pulled in. I wasn't surprised as I always, never failing, lose signal at that exit. Getting out of the car, I started to pump gas. It was quite still and there was a chill in the air.
I remember being happy in that moment.
And then, then,  my phone showed up that I had a message from your foster dad.
I almost died on the spot.
Even though I knew that there was no signal at that exit, I was trying so hard to see if I had enough to get your daddy on the phone.
And I did.
We lost each other a few times, but finally I pulled to the edge of the lot where I could get two bars of signal.
And together we opened your picture at the same time.
The people walking their dogs stared at me in my car.
I'm sure I was a sight.
Crying hysterics.
Gasping for breath.
Staring at my phone.
Your little face on my screen.
So so happy.

You my dear son are perfect in every way possible.
I have counted your fingers and traced your face twenty million times already.
I am counting down the days until I can count your fingers and toes in person.
Twelve days.
Twelve days until my arms no longer ache for you.
Twelve days until I can finally whisper in your ear.
Twelve days until I get to kiss your sweet little cheeks.
October 17th can't come fast enough.

Hugs and kisses.

Mommy

We’ll fly to distant clouds where it’s just you and me

Dear Baby, 

Are you ready my little man? Is there a ladybug on your shoulder? Can you feel the change about to happen as you are fed and dressed for the day? Are the birds singing differently this morning? Is the sun a bit brighter? Is there a chill in the air?

Oh how I wish I could be there.

I imagine that the Sister's are telling you they'll miss your belly laugh and whispering goodbyes into your ears. After all, you are the most handsomest baby they've ever laid eyes on. Of this I am sure.  And I am even more certain they will be a sad that you are leaving, sweet little Joseph Asiimwe. Thanks to God. They will hold you a bit tighter before they lay you back down and give you an extra kiss. 

It is a bittersweet day for all of us. 

Of this I am also sure. 

Today a car will be arriving at your orphanage. It will probably be dusty from it's long journey, and there will most defiantly be a commotion as they gather you up, wrapping you in blankets as you are brought outside.  And then dear Asiimwe, then you will be handed to the gentlest of mans, and he will smile at you and make sure you are set to leave. He will make you take a photo with Sister Edwina for me if she will have it. I ask him to take a few photos just in case we don't get there. I want you to know where you came from and the faces of the ladies who loved you before we could. {although, truth be told we were loving you from way before you were ever even born. 

But still. 

Still. } 

Where was I? Oh yes, after the pictures you will load into a car and you will travel for a very long time. You will probably be a little sad to be leaving sweet Sister Edwina and the only home you have known. I am sure that you will miss her and your poor little heart will probably ache and you won't know what's happened to you.... so, while you travel I want you to know sweet little baby that your mommy is praying for you. Wishing I could be there and help ease the hurt you are feeling. 

I highly doubt I will sleep a wink all night long wondering how you are doing with the move. 

I hope, even though you are little, somewhere in your heart that you know there is a good reason for the transfer. I don't want you to be scared for even a moment and it's killing me that I can't be there to hold you and cuddle you on the trip to Kampala. You'll see soon that everything happens for a reason. You journey will take you to be with your foster family and there you will live in their little home waiting for us to come and get you. This little trip is making your daddy and I one step closer to Uganda. One step closer to you. 

Hugging you. 

Kissing you. 

Loving you. 

Be brave little man. I love you bunches.

You have my heart. 

Mommy 

Q is for queen...

Dear Baby Q,

Today mommy bought you the most darling print to hang above your crib. I'm a bit in love with it and I think you will be too. Q for queen. Who wouldn't be in love with that? 

Happy so happy.  

It's a bit blustery cold in the east bay today. There is a cold front coming in of some sorts so the skies are grey and the trees look like they may bend in half. 

It's the kind of day for cuddling. 

If you were here I would wrap you up in a big blanket and we'd sit on the couch together. 

Side by side. 

You and I and daddy. 

We'd wrap our arms around you and gaze into your dark eyes. 

Kissing your forehead. 

I'd give you a bottle and daddy and I would sip on tea. 

We'd watch a movie together. And if you fell asleep on me I wouldn't move for fear of waking you up.

We'd cuddle the day away. 

.sigh. 

..but since you aren't with me here, instead I ran errands this afternoon because I needed to mail off a few packages and buy things for dinner. {Potato soup if your wondering} And whilst I was running errands I {not so by} accidentally went to the grocery store by way of the street that takes me past the antique store ... Hm. 

... I haven't been in there in forever and I was dying to know if the little tin truck I had seen many moons ago, {before we even knew you were a he} was still there. It wasn't, but I think I may have found an ever better treasure.  I got you two vintage books on cowboys and Indians. They are the cutest books with the most amazing drawings from the 50s. Daddy was super excited when he saw them. We're going to scan them in and frame a few for your room when your older.... 

Also, this week we found out that Nurse Edwina says we can move you on the 16th or 17th of September to Kampala. Even though it's way past September 1st, at least now it isn't that far away.... 

I'm dying to see a picture of your little face and finally speak the name we think is yours out loud. One week. 

And just so you know, and don't ever doubt it, I'm so happy I have a little man. I'm so happy your my son. 

I love you baby. 

xxoo

Mommy

Dear Baby Q,

We went to Santa Barbara over the weekend to play with your Padrino Erik and Nina D, and while we were there your daddy and I bought you a beautiful fern to sit atop your dresser. It's a lovely little thing.

We've named her Lou.

I was a bit obsessed with getting you a dresser last week. It was all I could think about. So get you a dresser we did.

It's vintage and beautiful, but also way bigger then I was imagining.  We had to rearrange the furniture in our room a bit and move your rocking chair to the living room, but in the end I am very pleased with how it worked out.

The dresser has five drawers and each one is big. There is enough room for your socks and diapers and onesies in the top two drawers and the bottom three are big enough for your clothing from when you get home til your a toddler. It clean and simplistic so it's prefect for our home. Perfect for you.

And now mommy is spending all her free time folding your little shirts and pants and putting them away. Of course I still pull them out and look at them every chance I get...

... I try to imagine you in them, in our room. Cuddling with you. Rocking you. Putting you to sleep. Jumping on the bed...

{{I can't wait til your home with us. We miss you so much. }}

In other news, mommy has been searching for some cute little things for you. My current obsession? Crib sheet and bumper fabric. I'm going to have your Grandma make them for me.

Loving the lions... 

but the circus is so darling too...

I can't wait to meet you my little one. 

I think about you always.

I carry you in my heart. 

xxoo

Mommy

Throw the clocks away and run into the street

Dear baby,
Today I was talking on the phone to your Mimi and Aunty Em{they're still trying to guess the name we think will be yours. Relentless.} and, as they were guessing and we were chatting about you, all of a sudden I realized what day it is.
I thought it was mid August.
Or the 20th at latest.
I still thought we had a few weeks to wait. And I was okay with that.
But no, it's the 25th of August.
Meaning in a week they will move you to your foster home...
A week baby.
A week.
{!!}
..and shortly after that, we will get a picture of you, our sweet little man.
And then we'll be able to finally name you.

...And when people ask if we have children I'll be able to show off your picture.
Oh hold on while I whip out an iphone album. 
Why yes, he does have his mommy's eyes.
And I'll beam.
So proud to call you my son.
So proud to be your mommy.

I love you my sweet asiimwe. ♥

xxoo

Take all the time lost {and give it back to you}

Dear Baby Q,

It finally looks like we have found you a family to stay with when you transfer to Kampala. Mommy is thrilled. And, why yes, I did start packing a care package to send to you as soon as I heard.
I can't wait to see a photo of you. Your dark chocolate eyes.
Dimples? Perhaps.
Dying to see you in person. Heart overflowing.
Spit up. Tantrums. Sleepless nights. Dirty diapers. Terrible twos.
Bring it.

And Sister Edwina baby? She was oh so sweet and even answered a few questions about you although we had a hard time understanding each other..
We woke up at six in the morning to call her. Ry cleared his throat, and I fully sat up in bed. Covers pulled around me.
We were a bit groggy. She answered. Agreed to moving you to Kampala. With lots of mmmmm's for good measure.
I pictured an older Aunt Elizabeth in a Nun's habit. Kind eyes. Soft heart.
We asked if you were healthy and she said yes.
You were brought to the home at two weeks old.
{Which was in April? So maybe your littler then we thought.} !!
We ask if there was anything else she could tell us about you...
pause.
"What do you want to know?"
and so we ask what we are dying to know, are you happy? {not fussy vs an "easy baby" but honestly, really truly happy.}
And she giggled and said "he's a baby!" as if, duh, of course he's happy. Which makes your mommy very happy in return.
I can't help smiling about it every time I think of you. And her laugh makes me feel like you are safe and loved.
I'm dying to know if you have a head of hair or if you have dimples. I would love to meet Sister Edwina. Give her a big hug. Try and thank her.
You are happy.
Happy.

I've been searching high and low for a dresser for you all this last week. I don't know why I'm so distracted by such a simple thing, but I think I'm nesting a bit. Trying to prepare for you coming home to us. I think that I think {in my sub conscious of course} if we get your little space ready you'll come home that much sooner.
I know it's not true but it makes me feel calmer planning.
And I'm crossing my fingers in may work.
{plus, washing and folding your little clothes? Dying to start.}

I love you. I can't wait to hold you.

Mommy

I don't know what day it is. I had to check the paper.

Dear Baby,
I'm buying minutes on Skype right now. In about an hour we're going to call Ilbanda and Sister Edwina. She's your nurse and we must ask permission to transfer you to a new home in Kampala so you are that much closer to coming home to us. We're a bit nervous about calling her. The language barrier is one thing, but also, she knows you. All day long I've been wondering if it will be an abrupt phone call. Or will she tell us a bit about you?  I can only hope.
I'm dying to know more about you. To know you have a son, but know very little about him is a strange feeling.  It makes me sad.
I'm dying to see your little face.  To know whether you are a happy baby. If your healthy. To name you.

I bought you your first pair of shoes today. Okay, to be honest, I bought you your first two paris of shoes. What can I say? They were darling and I couldn't help myself.
I love you baby.  And your going to look oh so cute in your new shoes.
Love your mommy

                                                                      Your new shoes

"All this time we were waiting for each other, all this time I was waiting for you.."

                                                                                               

It's a boy. 

He is five months old.  

And his given name {from the orphanage} is Asiimwe Joseph. 

My dear sweet baby boy,


As your sleeping, across the ocean, do you know how much your loved right now? 
Can you feel it from that far away?
I so badly hope with all my heart that last night someone whispered in your little ear and told you that you had a family.
 That you can feel the difference in your heart too.
Your daddy and I are no longer two, but three. And we, my son are a family. 

Do you understand how many people are dying to meet you? It's so crazy to me the emails and letters and calls pouring in today. Family and friends and even perfect strangers sharing in our celebration day. Crying with us. The happiness. The oh-my-goodness-when-do-you-get-to-go-get-him?
They're as anxious as we are.
And we haven't even been granted our adoption yet or met you or seen a picture ...
Can you imagine the party that we'll throw when your finally here in our arms?
There are so so many people who are out there praying and wishing you home with us.
And it's a bit overwhelming to feel so much love. But we are so very thankful for it. 

We took pictures last night after we found out you were ours.
They are terrible pictures.
Our eyes are closed, and I'm in pajama's.
But we're beaming.
And crying.
And happy. So very very happy.

One of the biggest questions we've been asked is if we have a picture of you yet... and while we have yet to see your little face, there is no denying you are the one we have been waiting for.

Your given middle name is your daddy's middle name. And your first name? It means thanks to God. So appropriate I couldn't help but cry when I heard the translation.

..I can't believe this whole time I was waiting for you, anxious to get you home, and you weren't even born yet.
When I bought you lots of Christmas ornaments last year because you had to have one for every year, I only had to buy one in reality...
..what will I do with all the others I wonder?

I can't believe you will be so little.
You will spend your first Christmas with us.
How is that even possible?
I will get to see your first step. So many milestones I was prepared to miss.
But I get to be there now. Holding your hand along the way. 

Last night after our family calls had been made, daddy and I couldn't go to bed yet. We were to excited. To anxious and nervous. To many thoughts running through our head.
We kept looking at each other, getting a half crazy grin and whispering over and over.
"We have a baby. Your a dad. I'm a mom. We. have. a. baby!"

And so we bought you your first {two} we-just-found-out-your-our-son presents. They're rather darling and I've been dying to buy both but was waiting until I knew you for sure were a he...

I love you my sweet little man. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet head.

Sweet dreams.

Your Mommy

Waiting was never my strong point

Dear Baby,

It's about time. That's all I'm sayin'.

I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to meet you.

Mommy

...

I try and image what it will be like when I get that email.
Will I be awake, refreshing my inbox. Over and over.
Or will I wake from a slumber to an email about you.
Will I be alone or will your daddy be beside me?

I try and image how I will feel when I see your picture for the very first time.
Put a face to the child of my heart.
Will I cry? Will I even be able to speak a single word? But mostly I wonder whether I will know.
My heart whispering that you are mine. 

I try and image the call to your grandparents, aunts and uncles. The joy.
We have a baby. A baby!

I think of getting on an airplane to meet you. Fidgeting with the seatbelt. Staring out the window into the black night.
The nervousness.
The hurry up and just get me there already feeling.
The hours it will take.
I am sure I won't sleep a wink... but dear baby, I will be dreaming the entire flight.

I wonder how I will feel when our plane finally lands in Entebbe. A rush of emotions. A swirl of thoughts.
I think of how it will be when I get in that taxi that will take me to Kampala. To you. 
I try and imagine what it will be like when I am on African soil again, the lush landscape rushing by.
Getting to the hotel.
Arriving at the orphanage.
The boda not stopping fast enough. Wanting to jump off and run the rest of the way..

I try and imagine the feeling of seeing my dreams finally taking shape.
All the countless nights of wondering about you.
Thinking of you. Dreaming of you.
Finally here.
In person.
Before me.
My darling sweet baby who I have waited so long for.
But, will you be waiting for me? Will you know that it is me, your mommy who has waited for you, and prayed for you and dreamed of you for so long?

I try to imagine that feeling of seeing you, little you, in person for the very first time.
Your skin dark and warm, your eyes soft and sweet. Our baby. Our baby.
My arms dying to hold you. My heart overflowing.
Will you come to me?

I try and imagine holding you in my arms. Wrapping you up. Holding ever so tightly.
Never wanting to let you go.
People say there is no love at first sight. I will know them to be wrong on that day. For even though I know little now, I do know, without a doubt, that on that day I will love you like nothing else.
And very much in love with you I will be.
It will be a love at first sight.
First glance.
First thought even.
For even though I do not know you, I love you.
{and as the days pass, I will only, always, love you more. }

I think of our first full day together. Will I read to you?
Will we play? Sing songs?
Will I rock you to sleep when the day closes?
Will I even be able to put you down ? Ever?

I think of the feeling I will get when we go to court. Imagine the judge before us. The questions.
I try and imagine the utter elation when we get your visa in our hands. I come up at a loss.
Thankfulness.
Love.
Happiness that can't be contained.
Tears.

I think of your plane ride home to your new home. Will I be with you or will daddy be bringing you to me?
And if I am having to wait at the airport, I think of how I will wait.
I will be there hours before the plane is to arrive. Just in case. 
Scanning the crowds.  Standing on my tiptoes.  Searching for my loves.
Ready and waiting to cover you both in kisses.

I think of getting you home to our house. Tucking you into bed.
Covers to your chin, teddy on your right.
Kissing your little eyelids as you slumber.
Listening to your steady breathing.
Thankful. So very thankful.

....and someday my dear sweet one, i will try and imagine our life without you. And I will be at a loss.
For there was no life before you I am sure.
You are my little one and I am your mommy.

Hopefully waiting.

Your Mommy

Dear Baby,

Today I am wishing for you more then normal.
I so badly want to know what your little face looks like. 
Have you on my lap. Count your fingers and toes. Rock you to sleep.

I want to know how your little arms around my neck feel.
If you were here with me now, I would sit and memorize every detail of your tiny face.
I would teach you how to give butterfly kisses.
I would tell you I love you a million times a day. 
I would hold you in my arms as you sleep.
Rocking back and forth.
Drinking in the moment. 
Not believing it was finally here.
I would hold you all afternoon, watching your deep slow breathing as you sleep on my chest.

Some people may think I am spoiling you.

But I'm not. 

I am making up for lost time. 

I wouldn't sleep for the first week back I am sure.
I would be too fearful to wake up and find that it all was a dream.
I have dreamed of you often my dear sweet one.

We have fun together you and I.
Your laugh is intoxicating.
Your arms are short and chubby.
And you give the best hugs.

I love you more each day. And we are coming oh so soon to get you. I can't wait to meet you.

xxoo.

Mommy

Oh baby baby

Dear Baby,

Today it is almost spring in the east bay. I know the groundhog saw his shadow this winter, but there is no arguing with something that is so plainly there. The birds are singing, the grass is green, and tulips are making their yearly appearance. I took the pups for a short walk this morning, and together we enjoyed the sun. It is a perfect day today baby, and best of all, the tree's are blooming. As you walk by they smell like new beginnings and cherry blossoms, and all I want to do is decorate my house with the smell. It's intoxicating...

... It's a day we would make a picnic and go the park. I'd teach you how to whistle with a blade of grass, and you'd teach me how to think ants are only the coolest thing ever. We'd go get ice cream cones in the evening with daddy and we'd marvel at all the cracks in the sidewalk. I'd share my ice cream cone with you even after you've finished yours, because really, you are to cute to help it. And we would get lots and lots of sprinkles.

...and at bedtime I would put you in footsie pajamas and read you a story. You'll want another of course. Anything to avoid bedtime! But I'll oblige, because really, I'm just so happy your finally home where you belong.

and people will tell me we're spoiling you. But you will know without a shadow of a doubt, that you're loved. So.very.much.

I love you baby. Always and forever.

Mama

P.S. On Monday your Aunt Lyndsie called and told us you were going to have a cousin! A cousin baby! and even though you may not understand it, that is so very exciting. You will have a buddy to play with at thanksgiving and a lifetime friend. Because family is forever.

I bought you a present..

I bought you a present today baby. And, I just know your going to love it. I had one when I was little too, and so when I saw it, I knew you had to have one ... after all, it's kind of amazing. If I'm honest with myself it's probably just as much for me as it is for you. {But, shh. Don't tell daddy. }

Did I tell you we're number three on the waiting list baby? Soon, so very soon I will meet you.

I'm counting down the days, even though I don't know how long they will be. We're hoping and praying we get to meet you as soon as possible... not only so we can prepare for you, but also so we can try and bring you home before the Ugandan courts close for the summer. If I have to wait to bring you home for months after I've seen your sweet face I may just die.

Hopefully it will be so. Hopefully it will be soon.

I have a whole box of baby things for you now baby. I had to have Tia Koko give me a new, bigger box after they moved because my old baby box was too small. I have all kinds of things in that box. Dresses for girls, cups for toddlers, books for babies, shirts for boys. I bought you the cutest dress ever if your a girl. If not, Aunty Liz will like it very much I'm sure.

That is the good thing about having little aunts and uncles baby... not only do you get automatic friends, I also don't feel as bad buying things you may never wear.. because they can wear it if you can't.

I love you baby. I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and tell you your home forever.

xoxo

Mommy


PS Here's what I bought you today...




PSS

We have two for sure girl names picked out now.. and two bouncing baby boy names, so baby dear, you've got a name now... but until we see you and know it fits, your little face, my lips are sealed..