...

I try and image what it will be like when I get that email.
Will I be awake, refreshing my inbox. Over and over.
Or will I wake from a slumber to an email about you.
Will I be alone or will your daddy be beside me?

I try and image how I will feel when I see your picture for the very first time.
Put a face to the child of my heart.
Will I cry? Will I even be able to speak a single word? But mostly I wonder whether I will know.
My heart whispering that you are mine. 

I try and image the call to your grandparents, aunts and uncles. The joy.
We have a baby. A baby!

I think of getting on an airplane to meet you. Fidgeting with the seatbelt. Staring out the window into the black night.
The nervousness.
The hurry up and just get me there already feeling.
The hours it will take.
I am sure I won't sleep a wink... but dear baby, I will be dreaming the entire flight.

I wonder how I will feel when our plane finally lands in Entebbe. A rush of emotions. A swirl of thoughts.
I think of how it will be when I get in that taxi that will take me to Kampala. To you. 
I try and imagine what it will be like when I am on African soil again, the lush landscape rushing by.
Getting to the hotel.
Arriving at the orphanage.
The boda not stopping fast enough. Wanting to jump off and run the rest of the way..

I try and imagine the feeling of seeing my dreams finally taking shape.
All the countless nights of wondering about you.
Thinking of you. Dreaming of you.
Finally here.
In person.
Before me.
My darling sweet baby who I have waited so long for.
But, will you be waiting for me? Will you know that it is me, your mommy who has waited for you, and prayed for you and dreamed of you for so long?

I try to imagine that feeling of seeing you, little you, in person for the very first time.
Your skin dark and warm, your eyes soft and sweet. Our baby. Our baby.
My arms dying to hold you. My heart overflowing.
Will you come to me?

I try and imagine holding you in my arms. Wrapping you up. Holding ever so tightly.
Never wanting to let you go.
People say there is no love at first sight. I will know them to be wrong on that day. For even though I know little now, I do know, without a doubt, that on that day I will love you like nothing else.
And very much in love with you I will be.
It will be a love at first sight.
First glance.
First thought even.
For even though I do not know you, I love you.
{and as the days pass, I will only, always, love you more. }

I think of our first full day together. Will I read to you?
Will we play? Sing songs?
Will I rock you to sleep when the day closes?
Will I even be able to put you down ? Ever?

I think of the feeling I will get when we go to court. Imagine the judge before us. The questions.
I try and imagine the utter elation when we get your visa in our hands. I come up at a loss.
Thankfulness.
Love.
Happiness that can't be contained.
Tears.

I think of your plane ride home to your new home. Will I be with you or will daddy be bringing you to me?
And if I am having to wait at the airport, I think of how I will wait.
I will be there hours before the plane is to arrive. Just in case. 
Scanning the crowds.  Standing on my tiptoes.  Searching for my loves.
Ready and waiting to cover you both in kisses.

I think of getting you home to our house. Tucking you into bed.
Covers to your chin, teddy on your right.
Kissing your little eyelids as you slumber.
Listening to your steady breathing.
Thankful. So very thankful.

....and someday my dear sweet one, i will try and imagine our life without you. And I will be at a loss.
For there was no life before you I am sure.
You are my little one and I am your mommy.

Hopefully waiting.

Your Mommy

I love.

I see the moon
The moon sees me
Down through the leaves of the old oak tree
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love...

Over the mountains
Over the sea
Back where my heart is longing to be
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love..

Adopt. You will receive more then you can ever give.

xoxo 

Today..

Today, I miss Africa.
I miss Sanyu.
The babies.
I just want to hug and kiss and love on them all. Whether or not they are to be mine. Whisper in their ears that they are loved. And beautiful. So very beautiful. 


I want to be walking the dusty streets of Kampala with Em by my side. Certain they think we're locals.
I want to be in Ssenge.
Watching the boys play football in the yard.
Helping plant hundreds and hundreds of little trees. 
Hot. Tired. Thirsty.
But happy...
...so so very happy.

{{It's the little things.}} 

I want to ride a boda boda again. Hair in the wind. Drinking in the sights.

I want to be in a country I love. A country that has affected me. That is in my blood.

I want to hug Abbey and Jess and tell them how much I look up to them for what they are doing.
Because really, they are amazing. And they are changing the world.

I want to take pictures that show the beauty that is Uganda. The pearl of Africa.
I want to go to the Nile. and take even more pictures. Document it all. 
I want to be immersed in the country that is my baby's homeland.
I want to discover as much as I can about my baby's heritage and the history of Uganda.

I want to sit in the dusk of the evening and listen to the boys band play their trumpets.
Amazed at their smiles. Their life. Their happiness.
I want to truly find an appreciation for matoke. And how to make it for my little one.
I want to sleep under a mosquito net at night... 
...and listen to the gonging of the bells in the early morning. 

My heart is not here today. It is there. 
I am hopeful.
Patient.
Waiting...

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

Waiting for a email from the orphanage director.
Checking flight prices for next week, and the next.. and the next...
Googled the date the court closes in Uganda.
And reopens.  {But can't find info on either...}
Feeling a bit hopeless. The chances of us having our baby by Thanksgiving is slowly closing.

It's been a year since we first went to Uganda and made the decision to adopt our firstborn.
....and  seven months since we started the process.

I know it'll all fall into place and we'll get the perfect baby for us.
But I want a baby now. 
Like right now. Not tomorrow. Today.

Just keeping it real.

It will happen

This is where I want to be right now.
Not yesterday or tomorrow.
Today.
No where else but here.

The swings are my favorite.
I would spend hours swinging babies. Holding them. Tell them they are loved.
Singing twinkle twinkle little star with my sweet Olivia
Tucking Anthony into bed and singing goodnight moon..
Praying for Moses mommy.
Making sure Elizabeth gets to wear a dress. Because it matters to her. and so it matters to me.

Blowing bubbles with Angela. Watching her wonderment.
Hugging Lucas when he cries.
Kissing Raymonds boo boo's better.
Scolding Sharon for eating dirt but laughing at the same time. So beautiful. So independent.

Bringing all the babies from their cribs onto the porch that morning with Em. Finding a blanket and having five babies to watch each. Taking turns holding them. Rubbing their bellies. Hearing them cooing.

Giving the older girls friendship bracelets. Pink and purple and girly.
Stuart. My sweet sweet Stewy. That smile gets me every time.

Wishing I could bring them all home with me.

I.
Miss.
Sanyu,

end of story.