Thankful for...

my favorite boys.

that we're together for Thanksgiving. 

For food on our tables.

and a Christmas tree waiting to be decorated.

Belly laughs.

The smell of cinnamon. 

Milky baby breath.

Cuddling on the couch. 

Christmas music.

Family near us and family far.  

Baby kisses.  

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Tonight

I dream of an email.
I think of you.
My heart is aching. literally.
I try to distract myself.
But,
..my heart is with you.
Always.

Kisses munange omuto.


Mommy

Truth

‎

“...orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. 

They are easier to ignore before you see their faces.

 It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms...

.... but once you do, everything changes. 

So when you & I hear staggering numbers & statistics about the poor & needy around us & around the world, we have a choice. 
We can switch the channels on our mega T.V’s and continue our comfortable, untroubled, ordinary, church-going lives as if the global poor don’t exist.

 We can let these numbers remain cold, distant, and almost imaginary....

Or we can open our eyes and our lives to the realities that surround us and begin considering the faces that are represented by these numbers.”

 -David Platt

In my heart.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


- e. e. cummings

Today..

Today, I miss Africa.
I miss Sanyu.
The babies.
I just want to hug and kiss and love on them all. Whether or not they are to be mine. Whisper in their ears that they are loved. And beautiful. So very beautiful. 


I want to be walking the dusty streets of Kampala with Em by my side. Certain they think we're locals.
I want to be in Ssenge.
Watching the boys play football in the yard.
Helping plant hundreds and hundreds of little trees. 
Hot. Tired. Thirsty.
But happy...
...so so very happy.

{{It's the little things.}} 

I want to ride a boda boda again. Hair in the wind. Drinking in the sights.

I want to be in a country I love. A country that has affected me. That is in my blood.

I want to hug Abbey and Jess and tell them how much I look up to them for what they are doing.
Because really, they are amazing. And they are changing the world.

I want to take pictures that show the beauty that is Uganda. The pearl of Africa.
I want to go to the Nile. and take even more pictures. Document it all. 
I want to be immersed in the country that is my baby's homeland.
I want to discover as much as I can about my baby's heritage and the history of Uganda.

I want to sit in the dusk of the evening and listen to the boys band play their trumpets.
Amazed at their smiles. Their life. Their happiness.
I want to truly find an appreciation for matoke. And how to make it for my little one.
I want to sleep under a mosquito net at night... 
...and listen to the gonging of the bells in the early morning. 

My heart is not here today. It is there. 
I am hopeful.
Patient.
Waiting...

...birthday wishes...

I remember last year on my birthday, me and Ry saying "aww, next year we might be parents.."

and even though we weren't ready to be parents yet, I remember getting teary eyed and wishing so very much that that might be the case.

...and today, it is next year. and even though you are already out there waiting for me, I don't get to celebrate beside me...

All I want to do is see your face, and know the name we will give you...

...Until today, I had forgotten that when I was little I wished for a baby brother on my birthday as I blew out my candles.. and five short little days later we got a call that there was a baby brother waiting for me in Korea...

and so, because of this I bought myself a jumbo pack of birthday candles baby. I'm going to wish on my breakfast that you'll be home soon, my lunch that I'll spend part of April in Uganda. I will blow out candles on my dinner...and my desert. I will be wishing all day that you were here to celebrate with me. I will be praying you home.

and if I'm lucky..

my wish just might come true like it did so many years ago...



{{Me and brother in 1986... he was, without a doubt, my best {late} birthday present..so far...}}

counting...

It's been 8 months since we were in Africa...
8 months since we fell in love with Sanyu & knew we were to adopt from there..
It's been 6 months since we moved from LA & got a two bedroom place to rent, dreaming of our baby..
5 months ago I started emailing people who had adopted from Uganda recently
& started checking out agencies...
& our parents and families were told they were getting a niece/nephew/grand baby/great grand baby 4 months ago..
3 months ago we finished the applications & started all the paper work...
A month ago we finished meeting with our social worker...
& less then a month ago we found out we're #3 on the waiting list at Sanyu....

...but now there's a hiccup in the road and we're waiting on wording to make sure our home study is perfect...

....and I'm sad. I know technically we only started four months ago, {and goodness knows my friend James has been there four months so really I have nothing to complain about} but it feels like we've been doing this for 8 months. and it just feels long.

I think of my baby every day and hope they are being loved. That someone is tucking them into bed and night and giving their little checks kisses whenever they can...

...and I write new to do lists and buy more things for baby/traveling.

....So, today I searched on peoples blogs and added up how many months it normally takes from beginning to end, paperwork included.

The majority of people's adoptions, from the time they started the paperwork until they're babies were home was eight or nine months. {But there are exceptions.}

One families baby was home in two months. TWO MONTHS...

....but if I am realistic with myself the truth is we probably won't have baby home until around August. And August is so very far away.

Just a day like today

It's a day that would be so much better with a baby. Cold, rainy, grey. It's a perfect day to snuggle with a little one. Watch Cinderella, big warm blanket, cuddling on the couch. And not changing out of Pajamas for the whole day. It's a day to make cookies together and when we get tired, take an afternoon nap...

it's a day that some would call a bummer, but I call a blessing. A day I would spend getting to know everything about you.

...I'm missing you baby.

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy

It's 2:17 on a friday afternoon.
It is almost february.
I'm wearing shorts even though I'm cold.
I still can't believe it's 2010,
and in two months I will be twenty seven. 27. wow.
I feel so young sometimes, and then I remember.
I'm really not.
I'm drinking raspberry tea and trying to get some work done.
so very soon I'll be caught up.
and then, what will I do with my days?
the sun is playing peek a boo with the clouds,
and lexi lou is sleeping at my feet.
The house is very, very quite...
I did mountains of laundry today.
6 loads.
Daddy is out working at J's.
the grass is getting really green because of the rain
and it's so very pretty..
and I want to take a picnic.
..read a book for an entire afternoon..

.. where are you baby? What are you doing right now? Do you know your loved?

Because you are.

hugs and kisses, Mommy