Sunday, October 17, 2010

Straight in a straight line running {to you..}

“Fly me away on an aeroplane
high in the sky…

….miles and miles of sun
endless roads
twist on”

Our bags our packed and sitting by the door and my stomach is a bunch of knots in nervous anticipation. We’ve been waiting for this day for so long.

So so long.

My hands are tingling and at any moment I might burst into tears in between the smile that I can’t seem to wipe from my face. It’s a flurry of excitement, a rewriting of todo lists. Checking and double checking we have everything we need. Today, husband man and I are heading out on a trip that will ultimately change our lives.

Tomorrow we will arrive in Uganda, Africa. We will be picked up by a dear man named Godfrey whom we love even though we have never met him. And then, then.

Then, tomorrow afternoon, Godfrey will take us to meet our son.

Finley Lane.

I keep trying to picture what it will be like to meet him in person. How he will feel in my arms.

I can’t seem to think straight and my heart is running a million miles a minutes.

We are so excited and nervous and happy…

there are simply no words for this feeling I have right now.

We're coming sweet baby boy. Mommy can't wait to finally hold you in these arms of mine. I love you bunches.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dear Finn,
It is Wednesday.
Which means we leave for Uganda in four days time.
Five nights until I kiss your sweet face.
Five afternoons I must distract myself.
And then, then my dear sweet one, you will be in our arms.
I will cover you with kisses from head to toe.
We will rock you to sleep that night.
I will fight your daddy to hold you. All. day. long.
You will steal our hearts and it will be like you were always with us.
We will be three.
Perfect. Complete.

I had stopped keeping track of how long we had left because I couldn't think of anything else.
So I made a resolution to finish my projects and then I could daydream as much as I fancied.
It lasted for about a day.
In the end, I always find myself right back where I started, staring off into the distance.
Catching a glance at a calendar.
Counting down in my head.

Dreaming of you.

I love you my little man.
Your daddy and I are coming for you just as fast as we can.
Much love.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dear Finn,
My heart is aching for you tonight.
I long to hold you in my arms.
Cuddle you close to my chest.
Wrap a blanket around us both and just stare into your eyes.
Get to know each other over.
I am missing you tonight and just thought you should know.
No matter where you are right now, mommy is thinking of you.
Carrying your heart with me.
{& counting down the days. }
I love you my sweet boy.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

No words

We have a photo of our little man. 
And, why yes, he is perfect in every possible way.
I can't wait to show you all his beautiful little face. 
However, until he is legally ours, I can't. 
But I can tell you, we have named him.
{and announced it} 
our sons name is

 Finley Lane 

Dear Finley,
Words can't even express the feeling I had when I first saw your little face. It was mixture of emotions all at once, I was choking, sobbing, hysterical, happy. And I kept saying over and over "oh he's beautiful. he's prefect. he's beautiful. Can you believe how beautiful he is?" to your daddy over the phone.
He, of course, was just in awe of you as I was at that moment.
There were simply, no words.
It was love in an instant.

I had wanted to be with your daddy when we got your picture, but instead I was at an exit off the 5 in route to Los Angeles. We had known we might, possibly, hopefully get a picture of you the night before, and we didn't sleep a wink as I kept checking my phone over and over.
But in the morning there was no picture.
I waited as long as I could that morning before leaving, hoping we would get the email before I left. But ten in the morning came and went and I had to get on the road to make it to my shoot that evening.

I was talking to your great grandma Bonnie and lost my signal as I pulled in. I wasn't surprised as I always, never failing, lose signal at that exit. Getting out of the car, I started to pump gas. It was quite still and there was a chill in the air.
I remember being happy in that moment.
And then, then,  my phone showed up that I had a message from your foster dad.
I almost died on the spot.
Even though I knew that there was no signal at that exit, I was trying so hard to see if I had enough to get your daddy on the phone.
And I did.
We lost each other a few times, but finally I pulled to the edge of the lot where I could get two bars of signal.
And together we opened your picture at the same time.
The people walking their dogs stared at me in my car.
I'm sure I was a sight.
Crying hysterics.
Gasping for breath.
Staring at my phone.
Your little face on my screen.
So so happy.

You my dear son are perfect in every way possible.
I have counted your fingers and traced your face twenty million times already.
I am counting down the days until I can count your fingers and toes in person.
Twelve days.
Twelve days until my arms no longer ache for you.
Twelve days until I can finally whisper in your ear.
Twelve days until I get to kiss your sweet little cheeks.
October 17th can't come fast enough.

Hugs and kisses.