Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A sailboat


Dear Finley,
It's that time of year again.

The stores are crowded with people and when we go outside for walks we have to layer you up. Your little self is still used to Ugandan weather and so it's taking a little getting used to, this take your breath away chill in the air. I bundle you in hats and coats and kiss your freezing cold cheeks as we run our errands. Baby on my hip. Smile on my face. You make me so happy Finley. It takes a lot longer running errands with you, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Last year I remember getting ready for Christmas and having a lump in my throat the whole time. Being on the edge of tears for reasons I couldn't explain in a sentence. I would wrap a present and think of you. Make cookies and wonder where you were. What you were doing that very instant. What name we would name you when you were with us.

It was only a few days until Christmas and suddenly I realized I had to get you your first ornament. I felt like such a bad mommy that I hadn't thought of it before. Even though you wouldn't be physically with us that year, you were being carried in my heart. each. and. every. day.

And so, all of a sudden,  I threw myself into searching. It's all I could think about. I had to find you the perfect ornament. And then, finally I found it.

This year I didn't even have to think about what to get you for your first year with us. It was there in front of me, and it was perfect. A little sailboat made out of fabric for the little man who came all the way from across oceans to be with us. Our beautiful little man. Our Finley Asiimwe.

A few days ago we laid under the Christmas tree and I taught you how to stare up at the pretty lights and ornaments like me and my daddy used to do.

And even though your little, you marveled. 

You would look at the tree, look at me, and put your little finger back in your mouth, content to just stare. Pressing our heads together, we laid side by side. My arm around you. Both of us staring up. Enchanted. Enjoying the simpleness of life. We laid there until it was your bedtime and I had to pull you away. I love making memories. And even though you may be too young to remember it, that night will always be one of my favorites.

I am so thankful for you Finley and everything you bring to your daddy and my life. We couldn't ask for a better Christmas present this year then you. We love you more then you know little man and I am so so happy and honored that God chose you to be our son. You are perfect to us in every single way. 

I love you to the moon and back.

Mommy

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankful for...

my favorite boys.
that we're together for Thanksgiving. 
For food on our tables.
and a Christmas tree waiting to be decorated.
Belly laughs.
The smell of cinnamon. 
Milky baby breath.
Cuddling on the couch. 
Christmas music.
Family near us and family far.  
Baby kisses.  

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A picture is worth a 1000 words

{{so I'll quit talking now}}

                                                                                                              me and baby. nile river. 2010.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Happiness here it comes

We are descending.
Out the window I glimpse the brilliant city of San Francisco stretching out below us.
And then the plane turns and there is a flash of blue sky.
The wheels come out, squeaky and loud. Finley looks up at me with his big wide eyes.
I assure him it's okay, and he proceeds to suck his little finger.
He lays his other hand atop mine.
The wheels of the plane touch the ground just as I rest my chin on his head.

"Welcome to America my little man"

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Torn as I could be...

As we walk towards the plane, I am struck with a thought.
Remember this moment. 
And for a second I am torn. My heart feels like it is ripping.
We are leaving Africa.
I search the horizon.
I take deep breaths of the Ugandan air. Breathing it in.
I try to understand what this moment means to my son.
We are leaving his country, taking him to his new home.
I start to get choked up.
Blinking back tears.
Heart in my throat.
We are going home. 
Home.
I want to give hugs to the ticket agents. The flight attendants. The pilot.
Anyone and everyone involved with getting us on that plane.
We are going home.
Home to the US.
Home to daddy.
I don't think it's possible to feel as many emotions that I am feeling right now...
as I climb the steps I am trying to memorizing the feelings I am feeling.
Trying to remember this moment for my son who won't be able to remember it.
The happiness. The fears.
Clutching him to me as I step on to the platform. I look one more time over my shoulder.
and I whisper goodbye to the night.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Mangos and fields of sugar cane.

Baby is sleeping beside me in an afternoon slumber. The fan is creaking back and forth and it looks like it is going to rain outside. Far across the ocean, husband man is at our house. It is night time in California and I'm sure he is sleeping right now, cuddled up with our pups.
I miss him being beside me.
But all in all, I am content with where I am.

I fall more in love with Uganda each and every day I spend here. Beans and chipotis. The greenery surrounding the city. The dark red dirt. Banana plantations. Bodas. The Ugandan people and their hearts and ready smiles.

I love how when I say that my baby's name is Asiimwe they say "ohhhh that is a good name" and give me ten different things it means. All similar, and wonderful just the same. Asiimwe. From western Uganda. Thanks to God. 


{could anything be more perfect?} 

I am in love with the fog that blankets the city in the mornings. The rain that comes, without fail, every afternoon. The laundry hanging on the clothes line.The nile river. Monkeys running past us. Mangos. Fields of sugar cane. Orange fanta.

I am content here.
I am happy.

Friday, November 5, 2010

19 days

Dear Finley,

It's been nearly 3 months since we found out you were ours.

and 21 days ago we boarded a plane to Africa. Heading straight to you. and I've got to tell you little man, we couldn't get there fast enough.

19 days ago we bumped along a dirt road. Toto was on the radio, singing his song about Africa. I remember hearing it as I looked out the window, taking in the lush Ugandan scenery, and smiling. Thinking how very fitting it was. My hands were tingling as they always do when I'm nervous and I kept forcing myself to take deep breaths. Stealing glances at your daddy. Wondering if he was as nervous as I was.

Yes my son, it's been 19 day since the very first time I saw you in person. You cried the first time you laid eyes on your daddy and I. But then, then we held you, and you stared at us. Big big eyes. Tiny little baby. Our baby.

It was surreal really, that first day with you. We were so exhausted from our flights, and yet so over the moon excited to have you in our arms. We got back to our room and laid on the bed, your daddy, you and me. We stared at each other. We traced your fingers and toes. Daddy pointed your birthmarks out to me first. The one on your knee. The scar behind your ear.
We laid there together the remainder of the afternoon.
Getting to know each other.
Learning about you.
Falling more in love with every passing second.

... that first night with you daddy and I barely slept at all. I would open my eyes and find your daddy already watching you sleep. Our eyes would meet over your little sleeping body and we would smile in the dark at each other. Catching each others hand. Whispering about how perfect you are, and oh my goodness, we have a baby. 

It's been 19 days since then and it's not becoming any less like a dream. You are perfect to your daddy and I and we love you so so very much.

Hugs and kisses my love.

Mommy.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Straight in a straight line running {to you..}

“Fly me away on an aeroplane
high in the sky…

….miles and miles of sun
endless roads
twist on”

Our bags our packed and sitting by the door and my stomach is a bunch of knots in nervous anticipation. We’ve been waiting for this day for so long.

So so long.

My hands are tingling and at any moment I might burst into tears in between the smile that I can’t seem to wipe from my face. It’s a flurry of excitement, a rewriting of todo lists. Checking and double checking we have everything we need. Today, husband man and I are heading out on a trip that will ultimately change our lives.

Tomorrow we will arrive in Uganda, Africa. We will be picked up by a dear man named Godfrey whom we love even though we have never met him. And then, then.

Then, tomorrow afternoon, Godfrey will take us to meet our son.

Finley Lane.

I keep trying to picture what it will be like to meet him in person. How he will feel in my arms.

I can’t seem to think straight and my heart is running a million miles a minutes.

We are so excited and nervous and happy…

there are simply no words for this feeling I have right now.

We're coming sweet baby boy. Mommy can't wait to finally hold you in these arms of mine. I love you bunches.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dear Finn,
It is Wednesday.
Which means we leave for Uganda in four days time.
Five nights until I kiss your sweet face.
Five afternoons I must distract myself.
And then, then my dear sweet one, you will be in our arms.
I will cover you with kisses from head to toe.
We will rock you to sleep that night.
I will fight your daddy to hold you. All. day. long.
You will steal our hearts and it will be like you were always with us.
We will be three.
Perfect. Complete.

I had stopped keeping track of how long we had left because I couldn't think of anything else.
So I made a resolution to finish my projects and then I could daydream as much as I fancied.
It lasted for about a day.
In the end, I always find myself right back where I started, staring off into the distance.
Catching a glance at a calendar.
Counting down in my head.

Dreaming of you.

I love you my little man.
Your daddy and I are coming for you just as fast as we can.
Much love.
Mommy

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dear Finn,
My heart is aching for you tonight.
I long to hold you in my arms.
Cuddle you close to my chest.
Wrap a blanket around us both and just stare into your eyes.
Get to know each other over.
I am missing you tonight and just thought you should know.
No matter where you are right now, mommy is thinking of you.
Carrying your heart with me.
{& counting down the days. }
I love you my sweet boy.
xxoo

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

No words

We have a photo of our little man. 
And, why yes, he is perfect in every possible way.
I can't wait to show you all his beautiful little face. 
However, until he is legally ours, I can't. 
But I can tell you, we have named him.
{and announced it} 
our sons name is

 Finley Lane 
04.15.10




Dear Finley,
Words can't even express the feeling I had when I first saw your little face. It was mixture of emotions all at once, I was choking, sobbing, hysterical, happy. And I kept saying over and over "oh he's beautiful. he's prefect. he's beautiful. Can you believe how beautiful he is?" to your daddy over the phone.
He, of course, was just in awe of you as I was at that moment.
There were simply, no words.
It was love in an instant.

I had wanted to be with your daddy when we got your picture, but instead I was at an exit off the 5 in route to Los Angeles. We had known we might, possibly, hopefully get a picture of you the night before, and we didn't sleep a wink as I kept checking my phone over and over.
But in the morning there was no picture.
Again.
I waited as long as I could that morning before leaving, hoping we would get the email before I left. But ten in the morning came and went and I had to get on the road to make it to my shoot that evening.

I was talking to your great grandma Bonnie and lost my signal as I pulled in. I wasn't surprised as I always, never failing, lose signal at that exit. Getting out of the car, I started to pump gas. It was quite still and there was a chill in the air.
I remember being happy in that moment.
And then, then,  my phone showed up that I had a message from your foster dad.
I almost died on the spot.
Even though I knew that there was no signal at that exit, I was trying so hard to see if I had enough to get your daddy on the phone.
And I did.
We lost each other a few times, but finally I pulled to the edge of the lot where I could get two bars of signal.
And together we opened your picture at the same time.
The people walking their dogs stared at me in my car.
I'm sure I was a sight.
Crying hysterics.
Gasping for breath.
Staring at my phone.
Your little face on my screen.
So so happy.

You my dear son are perfect in every way possible.
I have counted your fingers and traced your face twenty million times already.
I am counting down the days until I can count your fingers and toes in person.
Twelve days.
Twelve days until my arms no longer ache for you.
Twelve days until I can finally whisper in your ear.
Twelve days until I get to kiss your sweet little cheeks.
October 17th can't come fast enough.

Hugs and kisses.

Mommy

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

We’ll fly to distant clouds where it’s just you and me

Dear Baby, 
Are you ready my little man? Is there a ladybug on your shoulder? Can you feel the change about to happen as you are fed and dressed for the day? Are the birds singing differently this morning? Is the sun a bit brighter? Is there a chill in the air?

Oh how I wish I could be there.

I imagine that the Sister's are telling you they'll miss your belly laugh and whispering goodbyes into your ears. After all, you are the most handsomest baby they've ever laid eyes on. Of this I am sure.  And I am even more certain they will be a sad that you are leaving, sweet little Joseph Asiimwe. Thanks to God. They will hold you a bit tighter before they lay you back down and give you an extra kiss. 

It is a bittersweet day for all of us

Of this I am also sure. 

Today a car will be arriving at your orphanage. It will probably be dusty from it's long journey, and there will most defiantly be a commotion as they gather you up, wrapping you in blankets as you are brought outside.  And then dear Asiimwe, then you will be handed to the gentlest of mans, and he will smile at you and make sure you are set to leave. He will make you take a photo with Sister Edwina for me if she will have it. I ask him to take a few photos just in case we don't get there. I want you to know where you came from and the faces of the ladies who loved you before we could. {although, truth be told we were loving you from way before you were ever even born. 

But still. 
Still. } 

Where was I? Oh yes, after the pictures you will load into a car and you will travel for a very long time. You will probably be a little sad to be leaving sweet Sister Edwina and the only home you have known. I am sure that you will miss her and your poor little heart will probably ache and you won't know what's happened to you.... so, while you travel I want you to know sweet little baby that your mommy is praying for you. Wishing I could be there and help ease the hurt you are feeling. 

I highly doubt I will sleep a wink all night long wondering how you are doing with the move. 

I hope, even though you are little, somewhere in your heart that you know there is a good reason for the transfer. I don't want you to be scared for even a moment and it's killing me that I can't be there to hold you and cuddle you on the trip to Kampala. You'll see soon that everything happens for a reason. You journey will take you to be with your foster family and there you will live in their little home waiting for us to come and get you. This little trip is making your daddy and I one step closer to Uganda. One step closer to you. 

Hugging you. 
Kissing you. 
Loving you. 

Be brave little man. I love you bunches.

You have my heart. 
Mommy 

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Q is for queen...



Dear Baby Q,

Today mommy bought you the most darling print to hang above your crib. I'm a bit in love with it and I think you will be too. Q for queen. Who wouldn't be in love with that? 
Happy so happy.  

It's a bit blustery cold in the east bay today. There is a cold front coming in of some sorts so the skies are grey and the trees look like they may bend in half. 
It's the kind of day for cuddling. 
If you were here I would wrap you up in a big blanket and we'd sit on the couch together. 
Side by side. 
You and I and daddy. 
We'd wrap our arms around you and gaze into your dark eyes. 
Kissing your forehead. 
I'd give you a bottle and daddy and I would sip on tea. 
We'd watch a movie together. And if you fell asleep on me I wouldn't move for fear of waking you up.
We'd cuddle the day away. 

.sigh. 

..but since you aren't with me here, instead I ran errands this afternoon because I needed to mail off a few packages and buy things for dinner. {Potato soup if your wondering} And whilst I was running errands I {not so by} accidentally went to the grocery store by way of the street that takes me past the antique store ... Hm. 

... I haven't been in there in forever and I was dying to know if the little tin truck I had seen many moons ago, {before we even knew you were a he} was still there. It wasn't, but I think I may have found an ever better treasure.  I got you two vintage books on cowboys and Indians. They are the cutest books with the most amazing drawings from the 50s. Daddy was super excited when he saw them. We're going to scan them in and frame a few for your room when your older.... 

Also, this week we found out that Nurse Edwina says we can move you on the 16th or 17th of September to Kampala. Even though it's way past September 1st, at least now it isn't that far away.... 

I'm dying to see a picture of your little face and finally speak the name we think is yours out loud. One week. 

And just so you know, and don't ever doubt it, I'm so happy I have a little man. I'm so happy your my son. 

I love you baby. 

xxoo

Mommy

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dear Baby Q,

We went to Santa Barbara over the weekend to play with your Padrino Erik and Nina D, and while we were there your daddy and I bought you a beautiful fern to sit atop your dresser. It's a lovely little thing.

We've named her Lou.

I was a bit obsessed with getting you a dresser last week. It was all I could think about. So get you a dresser we did.

It's vintage and beautiful, but also way bigger then I was imagining.  We had to rearrange the furniture in our room a bit and move your rocking chair to the living room, but in the end I am very pleased with how it worked out.

The dresser has five drawers and each one is big. There is enough room for your socks and diapers and onesies in the top two drawers and the bottom three are big enough for your clothing from when you get home til your a toddler. It clean and simplistic so it's prefect for our home. Perfect for you.

And now mommy is spending all her free time folding your little shirts and pants and putting them away. Of course I still pull them out and look at them every chance I get...

... I try to imagine you in them, in our room. Cuddling with you. Rocking you. Putting you to sleep. Jumping on the bed...

{{I can't wait til your home with us. We miss you so much. }}

In other news, mommy has been searching for some cute little things for you. My current obsession? Crib sheet and bumper fabric. I'm going to have your Grandma make them for me.




Loving the lions... 

but the circus is so darling too...



I can't wait to meet you my little one. 
I think about you always.
I carry you in my heart. 
xxoo

Mommy

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Throw the clocks away and run into the street

Dear baby,
Today I was talking on the phone to your Mimi and Aunty Em{they're still trying to guess the name we think will be yours. Relentless.} and, as they were guessing and we were chatting about you, all of a sudden I realized what day it is.
I thought it was mid August.
Or the 20th at latest.
I still thought we had a few weeks to wait. And I was okay with that.
But no, it's the 25th of August.
Meaning in a week they will move you to your foster home...
A week baby.
A week.
{!!}
..and shortly after that, we will get a picture of you, our sweet little man.
And then we'll be able to finally name you.

...And when people ask if we have children I'll be able to show off your picture.
Oh hold on while I whip out an iphone album. 
Why yes, he does have his mommy's eyes.
And I'll beam.
So proud to call you my son.
So proud to be your mommy.

I love you my sweet asiimwe. ♥

xxoo



Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Take all the time lost {and give it back to you}

Dear Baby Q,

It finally looks like we have found you a family to stay with when you transfer to Kampala. Mommy is thrilled. And, why yes, I did start packing a care package to send to you as soon as I heard.
I can't wait to see a photo of you. Your dark chocolate eyes.
Dimples? Perhaps.
Dying to see you in person. Heart overflowing.
Spit up. Tantrums. Sleepless nights. Dirty diapers. Terrible twos.
Bring it.

And Sister Edwina baby? She was oh so sweet and even answered a few questions about you although we had a hard time understanding each other..
We woke up at six in the morning to call her. Ry cleared his throat, and I fully sat up in bed. Covers pulled around me.
We were a bit groggy. She answered. Agreed to moving you to Kampala. With lots of mmmmm's for good measure.
I pictured an older Aunt Elizabeth in a Nun's habit. Kind eyes. Soft heart.
We asked if you were healthy and she said yes.
You were brought to the home at two weeks old.
{Which was in April? So maybe your littler then we thought.} !!
We ask if there was anything else she could tell us about you...
pause.
"What do you want to know?"
and so we ask what we are dying to know, are you happy? {not fussy vs an "easy baby" but honestly, really truly happy.}
And she giggled and said "he's a baby!" as if, duh, of course he's happy. Which makes your mommy very happy in return.
I can't help smiling about it every time I think of you. And her laugh makes me feel like you are safe and loved.
I'm dying to know if you have a head of hair or if you have dimples. I would love to meet Sister Edwina. Give her a big hug. Try and thank her.
You are happy.
Happy.

I've been searching high and low for a dresser for you all this last week. I don't know why I'm so distracted by such a simple thing, but I think I'm nesting a bit. Trying to prepare for you coming home to us. I think that I think {in my sub conscious of course} if we get your little space ready you'll come home that much sooner.
I know it's not true but it makes me feel calmer planning.
And I'm crossing my fingers in may work.
{plus, washing and folding your little clothes? Dying to start.}

I love you. I can't wait to hold you.

Mommy

Monday, August 16, 2010

I don't know what day it is. I had to check the paper.

Dear Baby,
I'm buying minutes on Skype right now. In about an hour we're going to call Ilbanda and Sister Edwina. She's your nurse and we must ask permission to transfer you to a new home in Kampala so you are that much closer to coming home to us. We're a bit nervous about calling her. The language barrier is one thing, but also, she knows you. All day long I've been wondering if it will be an abrupt phone call. Or will she tell us a bit about you?  I can only hope.
I'm dying to know more about you. To know you have a son, but know very little about him is a strange feeling.  It makes me sad.
I'm dying to see your little face.  To know whether you are a happy baby. If your healthy. To name you.

I bought you your first pair of shoes today. Okay, to be honest, I bought you your first two paris of shoes. What can I say? They were darling and I couldn't help myself.
I love you baby.  And your going to look oh so cute in your new shoes.
Love your mommy

                                                                      Your new shoes

Thursday, August 12, 2010

"All this time we were waiting for each other, all this time I was waiting for you.."

                                                                                               
It's a boy. 
He is five months old.  
And his given name {from the orphanage} is Asiimwe Joseph. 

My dear sweet baby boy,


As your sleeping, across the ocean, do you know how much your loved right now? 
Can you feel it from that far away?
I so badly hope with all my heart that last night someone whispered in your little ear and told you that you had a family.
 That you can feel the difference in your heart too.
Your daddy and I are no longer two, but three. And we, my son are a family. 

Do you understand how many people are dying to meet you? It's so crazy to me the emails and letters and calls pouring in today. Family and friends and even perfect strangers sharing in our celebration day. Crying with us. The happiness. The oh-my-goodness-when-do-you-get-to-go-get-him?
They're as anxious as we are.
And we haven't even been granted our adoption yet or met you or seen a picture ...
Can you imagine the party that we'll throw when your finally here in our arms?
There are so so many people who are out there praying and wishing you home with us.
And it's a bit overwhelming to feel so much love. But we are so very thankful for it. 

We took pictures last night after we found out you were ours.
They are terrible pictures.
Our eyes are closed, and I'm in pajama's.
But we're beaming.
And crying.
And happy. So very very happy.

One of the biggest questions we've been asked is if we have a picture of you yet... and while we have yet to see your little face, there is no denying you are the one we have been waiting for.

Your given middle name is your daddy's middle name. And your first name? It means thanks to God. So appropriate I couldn't help but cry when I heard the translation.

..I can't believe this whole time I was waiting for you, anxious to get you home, and you weren't even born yet.
When I bought you lots of Christmas ornaments last year because you had to have one for every year, I only had to buy one in reality...
..what will I do with all the others I wonder?

I can't believe you will be so little.
You will spend your first Christmas with us.
How is that even possible?
I will get to see your first step. So many milestones I was prepared to miss.
But I get to be there now. Holding your hand along the way. 

Last night after our family calls had been made, daddy and I couldn't go to bed yet. We were to excited. To anxious and nervous. To many thoughts running through our head.
We kept looking at each other, getting a half crazy grin and whispering over and over.
"We have a baby. Your a dad. I'm a mom. We. have. a. baby!"

And so we bought you your first {two} we-just-found-out-your-our-son presents. They're rather darling and I've been dying to buy both but was waiting until I knew you for sure were a he...

I love you my sweet little man. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet head.

Sweet dreams.

Your Mommy

And......

It's a boy.
Happy dance around our house.
Late night phone calls to those we love. Not caring if their sleeping.
It's the night we have been waiting for for 10 months.
Pop that champagne!
Can't stop smiling.
We have a baby!!!!!!

And, it's a boy.

I'm a mommy. He's a daddy. And we are now a family.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Waiting was never my strong point




Dear Baby,

It's about time. That's all I'm sayin'.

I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to meet you.

Mommy

Friday, July 30, 2010

Eye candy

{{Drooling over here, so I thought I would share the prettiness. }}

...today, my friend Ashley {who I share a love of sending pretty things to look at back and forth with} sent me a new site I've never been to.

{{And, needless to say, I was hooked....}} 

It's truly a knitted wonderland... 











These are rattles... {I mean, how much cuter can you get?} I need. 


..and this lovely. So perfection that as soon as I saw it I was whipping out my little savings jars for baby and counting pennies trying to figure out how I could buy it.. 

like, I want it for my room. 

 {Swoon. }


                                                     


...in love with the fabric I found. It has little camera's on it. {I must own a yard and find something to do with it... I'm thinking a pillow for babies rocking chair..? } 




                                                           


and lastly, I am loving this cloth tool set for a little guy.  


   
                                                



Dear Baby, 
I am forever thinking of you. When it is night here I wonder what you are doing in your daytime. I wait for an email with a picture of you. I dream of what you will look like and what name will fit you. 
I can't wait to meet you and hold you. I don't think I will ever be able to put you down once I hold you in my arms. 
I can't wait to rock you in your rocking chair and have you fall asleep in my arms. 
I'm missing you. I'll love you always. 
Hugs. 
Mommy






Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Tonight

I dream of an email.
I think of you.
My heart is aching. literally.
I try to distract myself.
But,
..my heart is with you.
Always.

Kisses munange omuto.


Mommy

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Truth


...orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. 


They are easier to ignore before you see their faces.
 It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms...

.... but once you do, everything changes. 

So when you & I hear staggering numbers & statistics about the poor & needy around us & around the world, we have a choice. 
We can switch the channels on our mega T.V’s and continue our comfortable, untroubled, ordinary, church-going lives as if the global poor don’t exist.
 We can let these numbers remain cold, distant, and almost imaginary....

Or we can open our eyes and our lives to the realities that surround us and begin considering the faces that are represented by these numbers.”
 -David Platt

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Uganda, the pearl of Africa.

Today, I spent the later part of the afternoon googling maps of Uganda.
As the sun sank in the sky and the afternoon breeze started to blow, I searched the internet.
Discovering.
Trying to get a feel for what the country as a whole looks like, not just the small part of it we traveled though last time.
I worked on saying the names of the towns. Learned what villages are west, north and south of Kampala.
Got my bearings.
Researched.
And, in the midst of learning more about Uganda, I began to fall more in love with the country...

As dinner bubbled over on the stove, I went to The Lonely planet .
I selected my continent of choice.
Region.
& Country.
I started on history, then went to pictures. {I am a photographer after all! }
and if I wasn't head over heels in love with my sweet babies country before seeing the pictures I found, {which I most positively was}
 I definitely am now.

Uganda is said to be the pearl of Africa. And I would argue anyone who doubts me.

{And hippos?} Swoon.

It's been a secret wish of mine for awhile now, but I desperately want to be able to see a bit more of the country then last time when we travel again.
I would love to be able to tell my baby of their country. Firsthand.
Show them pictures we took. Hang those pictures in their bedroom.
Truly understand their culture.

{{and someday, when they are older and can understand it all, I want to take baby back, so they can fall in love with Africa for themselves }}

And now, a few pictures I found of the beloved country.

{{Go ahead...I dare you not to fall a bit in love. ..}}


                                                                                Mt Baker {from Irene lakes} 



                               Sipi Trail, Mt Elgon National Park.


                               Dugout canoes at market


Above Murchison Falls




And to my darling sweets, 
I love you. I think of you often. And soon, so very soon, I shall hold you in my arms and cover you with kisses. 

xxoo 



Friday, July 16, 2010

In my heart.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)



- e. e. cummings

Thursday, July 8, 2010

...

I try and image what it will be like when I get that email.
Will I be awake, refreshing my inbox. Over and over.
Or will I wake from a slumber to an email about you.
Will I be alone or will your daddy be beside me?

I try and image how I will feel when I see your picture for the very first time.
Put a face to the child of my heart.
Will I cry? Will I even be able to speak a single word? But mostly I wonder whether I will know.
My heart whispering that you are mine. 

I try and image the call to your grandparents, aunts and uncles. The joy.
We have a baby. A baby!

I think of getting on an airplane to meet you. Fidgeting with the seatbelt. Staring out the window into the black night.
The nervousness.
The hurry up and just get me there already feeling.
The hours it will take.
I am sure I won't sleep a wink... but dear baby, I will be dreaming the entire flight.

I wonder how I will feel when our plane finally lands in Entebbe. A rush of emotions. A swirl of thoughts.
I think of how it will be when I get in that taxi that will take me to Kampala. To you. 
I try and imagine what it will be like when I am on African soil again, the lush landscape rushing by.
Getting to the hotel.
Arriving at the orphanage.
The boda not stopping fast enough. Wanting to jump off and run the rest of the way..

I try and imagine the feeling of seeing my dreams finally taking shape.
All the countless nights of wondering about you.
Thinking of you. Dreaming of you.
Finally here.
In person.
Before me.
My darling sweet baby who I have waited so long for.
But, will you be waiting for me? Will you know that it is me, your mommy who has waited for you, and prayed for you and dreamed of you for so long?

I try to imagine that feeling of seeing you, little you, in person for the very first time.
Your skin dark and warm, your eyes soft and sweet. Our baby. Our baby.
My arms dying to hold you. My heart overflowing.
Will you come to me?

I try and imagine holding you in my arms. Wrapping you up. Holding ever so tightly.
Never wanting to let you go.
People say there is no love at first sight. I will know them to be wrong on that day. For even though I know little now, I do know, without a doubt, that on that day I will love you like nothing else.
And very much in love with you I will be.
It will be a love at first sight.
First glance.
First thought even.
For even though I do not know you, I love you.
{and as the days pass, I will only, always, love you more. }

I think of our first full day together. Will I read to you?
Will we play? Sing songs?
Will I rock you to sleep when the day closes?
Will I even be able to put you down ? Ever?

I think of the feeling I will get when we go to court. Imagine the judge before us. The questions.
I try and imagine the utter elation when we get your visa in our hands. I come up at a loss.
Thankfulness.
Love.
Happiness that can't be contained.
Tears.

I think of your plane ride home to your new home. Will I be with you or will daddy be bringing you to me?
And if I am having to wait at the airport, I think of how I will wait.
I will be there hours before the plane is to arrive. Just in case. 
Scanning the crowds.  Standing on my tiptoes.  Searching for my loves.
Ready and waiting to cover you both in kisses.

I think of getting you home to our house. Tucking you into bed.
Covers to your chin, teddy on your right.
Kissing your little eyelids as you slumber.
Listening to your steady breathing.
Thankful. So very thankful.

....and someday my dear sweet one, i will try and imagine our life without you. And I will be at a loss.
For there was no life before you I am sure.
You are my little one and I am your mommy.

Hopefully waiting.

Your Mommy

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dear Baby,

Today I am wishing for you more then normal.
I so badly want to know what your little face looks like. 
Have you on my lap. Count your fingers and toes. Rock you to sleep.

I want to know how your little arms around my neck feel.
If you were here with me now, I would sit and memorize every detail of your tiny face.
I would teach you how to give butterfly kisses.
I would tell you I love you a million times a day. 
I would hold you in my arms as you sleep.
Rocking back and forth.
Drinking in the moment. 
Not believing it was finally here.
I would hold you all afternoon, watching your deep slow breathing as you sleep on my chest.

Some people may think I am spoiling you.
But I'm not. 
I am making up for lost time

I wouldn't sleep for the first week back I am sure.
I would be too fearful to wake up and find that it all was a dream.
I have dreamed of you often my dear sweet one.

We have fun together you and I.
Your laugh is intoxicating.
Your arms are short and chubby.
And you give the best hugs.

I love you more each day. And we are coming oh so soon to get you. I can't wait to meet you.

xxoo.

Mommy

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

In love.




For a sweet baby girl...








And, the crib we will get baby if baby is a baby. It folds up for easy storage, so our little room won't be all squished with furniture. 

..Plus, I mean, common, it comes in green...



....dying over these shoes my friend Ashley found... 





...and the bed our boys will sleep in when they're older? This.  What little man hasn't dreamed of sleeping in a treehouse? 





Dear Baby, 

I am spending all my time waiting on an email.
Thinking of that email. Willing it to come.
I'm dreaming of you running through the house. 
Skin warm from playing in the sun.
Belly laughs.   

I'm spending far less of the night sleeping then refreshing my inbox. 
Over and over.
And then, it is morning here and night there and a whole new 12 hours of waiting begins.

Thinking of you.
Wishing for you.
Praying you know you are loved.
Because you are. 
Oh so much.

....And even though I haven't met you yet my little one, my heart is aching for you. 
Don't give up. Mommy is coming for you as soon as I can. 
Hugs. 











Friday, June 11, 2010

Crushing on..


For baby boy...





{{From Kate}}

Have to have this ...


and, for my sweet baby girl.. I adore this. 



....and just because, sometime you have to be reminded to shut off the computer and soak up today.. 




I have like 20 prints I want to buy from her. I think I may be running out of wall space... 


Still waiting over here in the east bay for word on our baby... 

but, for today, there may just be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.. 

and that glimmer, it gives me hope. 


xxoo 








Thursday, June 10, 2010

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I see the moon
The moon sees me
Down through the leaves of the old oak tree
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love...

Over the mountains
Over the sea
Back where my heart is longing to be
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love..

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Adopt. You will receive more then you can ever give.


xoxo 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Today..

Today, I miss Africa.
I miss Sanyu.
The babies.
I just want to hug and kiss and love on them all. Whether or not they are to be mine. Whisper in their ears that they are loved. And beautiful. So very beautiful. 


I want to be walking the dusty streets of Kampala with Em by my side. Certain they think we're locals.
I want to be in Ssenge.
Watching the boys play football in the yard.
Helping plant hundreds and hundreds of little trees. 
Hot. Tired. Thirsty.
But happy...
...so so very happy.

{{It's the little things.}} 

I want to ride a boda boda again. Hair in the wind. Drinking in the sights.

I want to be in a country I love. A country that has affected me. That is in my blood.

I want to hug Abbey and Jess and tell them how much I look up to them for what they are doing.
Because really, they are amazing. And they are changing the world.

I want to take pictures that show the beauty that is Uganda. The pearl of Africa.
I want to go to the Nile. and take even more pictures. Document it all. 
I want to be immersed in the country that is my baby's homeland.
I want to discover as much as I can about my baby's heritage and the history of Uganda.

I want to sit in the dusk of the evening and listen to the boys band play their trumpets.
Amazed at their smiles. Their life. Their happiness.
I want to truly find an appreciation for matoke. And how to make it for my little one.
I want to sleep under a mosquito net at night... 
...and listen to the gonging of the bells in the early morning

My heart is not here today. It is there. 
I am hopeful.
Patient.
Waiting...

Friday, May 14, 2010

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

Waiting for a email from the orphanage director.
Checking flight prices for next week, and the next.. and the next...
Googled the date the court closes in Uganda.
And reopens.  {But can't find info on either...}
Feeling a bit hopeless. The chances of us having our baby by Thanksgiving is slowly closing.

It's been a year since we first went to Uganda and made the decision to adopt our firstborn.
....and  seven months since we started the process.

I know it'll all fall into place and we'll get the perfect baby for us.
But I want a baby now. 
Like right now. Not tomorrow. Today.

Just keeping it real.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Crushing..


Still no news on baby. Still nothing to report. So, since all our paperwork is done for now, and all we're waiting on is a fingerprinting appointment and a email from Africa.. I wait. {{and search for things to buy baby...}} 

So far, today I have fallen in love with this print:


{{From Penny Wishes}}

...these stuffed lovable's..





{{from Sleepy King}}

Noticing a common theme? Yellow is simply irresistible to me this week.   


But, I am also loving this print from Sarah Jane... {{and there is no yellow in sight!}} It's called Take me for a walk. Love love LOVE it!








And as for my dear sweet baby so very far away, know that mommy loves you, dreams of you, and is praying you home.  

Hugs and kisses.