Thursday, July 8, 2010

...

I try and image what it will be like when I get that email.
Will I be awake, refreshing my inbox. Over and over.
Or will I wake from a slumber to an email about you.
Will I be alone or will your daddy be beside me?

I try and image how I will feel when I see your picture for the very first time.
Put a face to the child of my heart.
Will I cry? Will I even be able to speak a single word? But mostly I wonder whether I will know.
My heart whispering that you are mine. 

I try and image the call to your grandparents, aunts and uncles. The joy.
We have a baby. A baby!

I think of getting on an airplane to meet you. Fidgeting with the seatbelt. Staring out the window into the black night.
The nervousness.
The hurry up and just get me there already feeling.
The hours it will take.
I am sure I won't sleep a wink... but dear baby, I will be dreaming the entire flight.

I wonder how I will feel when our plane finally lands in Entebbe. A rush of emotions. A swirl of thoughts.
I think of how it will be when I get in that taxi that will take me to Kampala. To you. 
I try and imagine what it will be like when I am on African soil again, the lush landscape rushing by.
Getting to the hotel.
Arriving at the orphanage.
The boda not stopping fast enough. Wanting to jump off and run the rest of the way..

I try and imagine the feeling of seeing my dreams finally taking shape.
All the countless nights of wondering about you.
Thinking of you. Dreaming of you.
Finally here.
In person.
Before me.
My darling sweet baby who I have waited so long for.
But, will you be waiting for me? Will you know that it is me, your mommy who has waited for you, and prayed for you and dreamed of you for so long?

I try to imagine that feeling of seeing you, little you, in person for the very first time.
Your skin dark and warm, your eyes soft and sweet. Our baby. Our baby.
My arms dying to hold you. My heart overflowing.
Will you come to me?

I try and imagine holding you in my arms. Wrapping you up. Holding ever so tightly.
Never wanting to let you go.
People say there is no love at first sight. I will know them to be wrong on that day. For even though I know little now, I do know, without a doubt, that on that day I will love you like nothing else.
And very much in love with you I will be.
It will be a love at first sight.
First glance.
First thought even.
For even though I do not know you, I love you.
{and as the days pass, I will only, always, love you more. }

I think of our first full day together. Will I read to you?
Will we play? Sing songs?
Will I rock you to sleep when the day closes?
Will I even be able to put you down ? Ever?

I think of the feeling I will get when we go to court. Imagine the judge before us. The questions.
I try and imagine the utter elation when we get your visa in our hands. I come up at a loss.
Thankfulness.
Love.
Happiness that can't be contained.
Tears.

I think of your plane ride home to your new home. Will I be with you or will daddy be bringing you to me?
And if I am having to wait at the airport, I think of how I will wait.
I will be there hours before the plane is to arrive. Just in case. 
Scanning the crowds.  Standing on my tiptoes.  Searching for my loves.
Ready and waiting to cover you both in kisses.

I think of getting you home to our house. Tucking you into bed.
Covers to your chin, teddy on your right.
Kissing your little eyelids as you slumber.
Listening to your steady breathing.
Thankful. So very thankful.

....and someday my dear sweet one, i will try and imagine our life without you. And I will be at a loss.
For there was no life before you I am sure.
You are my little one and I am your mommy.

Hopefully waiting.

Your Mommy

4 comments:

Family said...

Your sweet words beautifully captured and expressed the waiting and love you have for your baby.
Your baby is going to be so blessed to have a special mommy like you. :-)

Corrie said...

Abi, your thoughts are so precious and for your little one to read these years from now is going to be such a blessing to him/her. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and we continue to pray for you and Ry and that little one that will soon be yours.

love said...

tears.

i remember thinking these things. all of them. wondering, wishing, hoping, praying.

He is preparing your baby for you right now. Oh, how wonderfully He is working your story out....I'm sure of it. Praying as you wait gracefully and hopefully.

Steiners! said...

It WOULD be so fun to be in Uganda together. What could be better?!?! Praying for your gem as I pray for ours....
Blessings,
Deb